Sunday, December 27, 2009

Satire On Saturdays - Office Christmas Party Memos

Ahhh!  How we've come to include, embrace and pacify
everyone with all of the diverse cultural differences in our
society!  It's enough to drive some of us....well yes, crazy!
Love and patience are definitely virtues!
Go ahead and read what this lady went through while trying
to please everyone....     

Office Christmas Party Memos

December 1st


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.There will be lots of spiked eggnog
and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree!
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $20.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 2nd


In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
(though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. There will be no Christmas tree and only non-
religious, generic Christmas carols will be sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director


December 3rd


Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table,
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget,
if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't
be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union
members feel that $20 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director


December 7th


I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men;
each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director


December 9th


People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis
Human Rat Races


December 10th


Vegetarians - I've had it with you people!! We're going
to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill
of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now...
Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Witch from Hell


December 14th


I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay. Hope you all enjoy your own version of
the Holiday!

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director

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